2019 started out as a great year. I was in love, kids doing well, and the business was trucking along.
Over the summer, I got engaged. Things had not been perfect leading up to the engagement. The relationship started out well, lots of love bombing when looking back, then ring shopping started. He was recently divorced, and by the stress on his face and the quantity of texts on his phone, there was a lot of garbage still left to take to the curb. I questioned engagement, and that was received with frustration that I overthink. The ring appeared months later, things were really good when they were good and incredibly toxic when I would voice concern over extreme parenting differences or communication issues. Overall I loved him dearly and felt down the road we would have a future together.
I grew tired of the same issues over and over this year and realized I was numbing myself with Zoloft to sleep and cope. I’m sure it helped for a while, but it was allowing me to excuse behaviors I was seeing as oh, that’s over, new day. He’s a good guy, but he’s stretched to the max with kids, ex-wife, work and life. We had a good ride, but it was time to let it go. I didn’t have the courage to really end things for a while, but my head and my gut took over and pushed me through it. I stopped the Zoloft at the same time. A sense of peace came over me, thankfully. I learned a couple of things:
1. People show us the red flags. It’s our choice to listen to or dismiss them.
2. If your partner stops acting like a partner, there is a reason. Pay attention.
3.You deserve better and more if things are toxic and tiring. Don’t settle, don’t stop looking for and being open to the one.
4. Talk to your friends even when it’s embarrassing and ugly. Our brains and emotions aren’t equipped to do this alone.
I’m healing, I’ll be ok and I’m looking forward to 2020. Here’s to health, love and happiness!